After the Loving

The marriage encounter weekend was more than I could have ever imagined. There was so much that I learned and experienced, and I have to admit I did not go with an open mind. I was very skeptical. Even as the first couple started speaking I was wondering what I was doing there. I found out soon enough. I was doing something that I should be doing.

I think what I discovered was a deeper intimacy with my husband. Not sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy. Suddenly all of the things we went through - any issue no matter how small or how large - just didn't matter. What mattered most was where we were. I realized that it was Brian's idea to go in the first place. He had no qualms about calling and setting things up for us. It really meant a lot to him as well.

Saturday night close to the wee hours of Sunday morning I sat up in bed and listened to my husband snore. It was comforting and it made me smile. With each intake of breath I knew he was alive, and as strange as it was, I knew that he loved me. If I got up from the bed he would stir and ask me if I was okay. How do I know, because he does it all the time. I can move and in his sleep he checks on me. Even in sleep I seem to be on his mind.

Sunday morning as I sat in our small cube on the twin bed we shared, I remembered someone from my past. I could almost see her in the room with me. Her name was Darlene Kellogg. She was an amazing woman and a great friend. She had two children, a boy and a girl. She was the one that sewed a lot of Sarah's clothes as a child - dresses complete with little pinafores, and she even sewed the first wedding dress for my sister, Kim.

Darlene was married to a hard working man, Earl. They seemed so loving and supportive of one another. But one day Darlene told me that Earl working nights was taking a toll on their marriage. They weren't able to spend a lot of time together. This coupled with the fact that Darlene's brother disappeared one night only to find him laying dead in a field several months later only put more of a strain on them, I'm sure.

I don't remember how Darlene and I grew apart. I'm sure it was my fault. I started going to college. I seemed to have lost track of a lot of my friends and neighbors for a while. Of course I was growing further apart from my husband at that time as well. Regardless of the reasons - more like excuses, I think - we lost touch.

Years later I discovered that Darlene had passed away. She and Earl had divorced. I admit I was surprised, but then I realized that everyone was surprised when I had divorced my first husband, Oscar. No one thought we had any problems. They didn't know about my crying at night alone or how we fussed over who was to blame for what petty thing. None of those things matter now, but then they seemed so important. "Little things matter."

Darlene, on this cold and snowy Sunday morning, made a difference in how I saw things. I had let a good friend go and I couldn't even think of a good reason why I would let that happen. I wasn't there for her when she more than likely could have used a good person to lean on. And maybe, just maybe, if she and Earl had given themselves an opportunity to try a weekend of rediscovery of each other they wouldn't have lost each other either. But that wasn't important, because I couldn't change the past.

What is important is I have control over what I do know now. I know that I am deeply in love with my husband. I know that I have some great friends and a wonderful life. I have been blessed and instead of sweating the small stuff I just need to trust that I'm not alone when I face them. I am at peace at this moment with the decisions I have made in my life. I have a renewal in the relationship with my husband and with my family. Life really is good.

So here is a little sappy song with lyrics so you can sing along. Give it a try. :)

Marriage Encounter Weekend

Hubby and I discussed going to a marriage encounter weekend. It's not because we are having problems, but more like we decided that because we aren't having problems we should go to keep from having them later. Kind of a pre-emptive planning on our part. After all the kids are getting older and will be doing their own thing more and more as time goes on.

The one we are going to this weekend is at the Norbentine Abbey in DePere. It looks like a very nice place. I was told that the Norbentine priests retire there as well and we will be having dinner with them on Saturday and Sunday. Actually, I'm rather looking forward to that. I have no idea why.

They said that we should bring snacks and drinks we like. They provide coffee and hot water. They do not want us drinking alcohol. Not surprising. I can imagine how lovely it would be to have a few drunken couples hanging around trying to discuss how to keep the perk in your marriage. Not a fun time, I'm sure.

I wonder if I should bring along the karaoke machine? I bet no one ever thought of that one!  :)

"Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you."  ~Jean Rostand, Le Mariage, 1927

Contemplating...

I ran across this picture on my phone this morning. It was taken June 2009 in Ocean City. It was beautiful. Seeing it this morning reminds me how much I truly love my husband.
I think we forget sometimes where we start in a relationship. We tend to take little things for granted, but honestly little things are what make up life.
I don't know what he was thinking here, but I hope he is thinking about what a wonderful life we have built together. I want him to remember not only where we started but what we have accomplished.
All I really know is my life is much better with him then it ever could be without him.

Watching as they grow... Even the Youngest grow older

I sit and listen with a smile as the boys play.
It wasn't that long ago that I held them close and
nursed them upon my breast.
Not yesterday, but before.
My memories are not dimmed by their growth away from
Mommy's arms.
Inside I know that the nurturing I gave them lies inside
their hearts and will be with them forever.
It will help them to become father's, husband's, lovers.
They will understand the meaning of touch, kiss, and comfort.
It is not sad that they grow further away from me,
but I wonder how the gradual increase in their independence
happened without my seeing it come.
Time does create a difference in life, but I shall always
hear the whisper of "Mommy" in my mind and feel it in my heart.
I am not losing a child - I am creating young men that will
direct the future of our world...
right after they finish killing zombies on the latest video game.

My Husband's Dream

We all dream. A woman, when she's married, hopes that her husband has sweet dreams about her. Maybe romantic (not so likely, our version of romance differs from the male species, usually) or even sexual (which is much more likely, with little details except for the actual act itself.)

I believe that for the most part we want our men to share their dreams with us. This morning I got my wish. He woke and told me he had a dream. Cool. What was it? He went to a Bordello. Uh oh. Sexual dreaming? Well, that's okay. But no. He went their with wooden stakes to kill vampires that used the Bordello as a headquarters. Nice. No sex, just blood.

Funny thing is I believe I know where this particular dream stems from. We are in Wal-Mart and we buy wooden stakes for yard sale signs to help out a friend. He doesn't think practical, he thinks weapon (which for him is practical.)

"We can use these to kill vampires," he says.

I didn't know we had a vampire problem in Neenah, Wisconsin, but hey.

"Aren't they a little long?" I ask.

"No," he replies. "It helps us out so we don't get too close." Practical.

So as we leave Wal-Mart I stop in front of the bench with three teenage girls.

"So, do you think these are strong enough to kill vampires?" I ask him.

We, of course, get strange looks from the girls before they look curiously at each other.

"Sure," he says smiling knowing exactly what I'm doing.

As we leave the Wal-Mart he looks at me and says, "That's only one of the reasons I love you."

I'm sure another is that I wouldn't get upset about him dreaming about a Bordello of Blood.

Life and Our Expectations

There are so many things that I still want to do in life. It seems that I don't have enough time for a lot of it, but how much time do I actually waste? I don't think I want to look at the answer to that question. But if I'm spending that time being me, is the time really wasted? I don't know if I want to answer that one either.

A young mother last night said the same thing, just about. She said, "I'm almost thirty and I see time slipping away. There are so many things I still want to do and I don't feel I'm living up to my potential." She has four small children, a sick husband, and a full time job. Amazing. I find her inspiring that she can manage all that she does and still make time for friends. But in her perspective she feels that she isn't doing enough and isn't doing all that she wants to do.

On the other hand I know people that sit around and complain about not having enough in life. They complain about their jobs, the way their life is going, how their children treat them, their disatisfaction with their relationships, and so on. When you tell them to make changes they just don't want to or say they can't. But, honestly, everyone can make changes. It's that they don't want to. A lot of people fear change. They like knowing what is going to happen even if what is happening is bad, because at least they they feel as if they have some control.

I don't desire to be a super star. I do desire to be the best that I can be. If I feel as if I'm accomplished in my small part of the world I've done something. I've become someone. It's not the measure of everyone else in the world that matters, it's the measure we give ourselves.

My children think I'm wonderful. My husband likes being with me and supports me in everything I do. My family adores me and they tell me every day. I've done something right here, and that says a lot.

So what if we struggle to pay the bills or if we can't afford to go on a European Cruise? We have something here that some people don't and no matter how much time and effort they put into being successful and popular and rich they won't be able to buy it. Success isn't measured by how much money you have - it's measured by how much happiness you have in your life.

Can there be forgiveness?

I was watching a movie the other day in which a marriage of 20 years was broken because a man had started an affair with another woman. At lunch one day he told his wife that they had been living a lie and confessed to the affair. Why? Because he wanted to be with the other woman.

The wife was dumbfounded, as well she might be. This came at her from out of the blue. But the words he spoke next hit me:

"I won't give her up. It's non-negotiable."

Now I went through 18 years of marriage the first go round. I tried and tried to do everything from emoting to meditating to trying to bring back the passion and nothing worked. The main reason was because I didn't have cooperation. It took two of us to make a marriage and it would take two of us to succeed.

Unlike this woman I didn't have a worry about him having an affair with anyone...it was more like him having an affair with his hobbies. I came in third in his life and for me that wasn't acceptable. I couldn't live that way no matter how hard I tried. I finally gave up, which wasn't easy. I don't take vows and promises lightly.

In the movie the man realizes that the wife is the only woman he really loves. Life isn't as good without her. My ex said something along those lines too, that he realized what he had only after it was gone. She forgave him and took him back; I didn't.

I would think that if my current husband had an affair that I could forgive him. I would think that if we were able to discuss it and work through it the love would overcome the feeling of betrayal and that maybe I could understand. The difference is that we share in what happened together.

The first time around I wasn't given a choice. I was cut out completely and spent hours at night roaming the house crying. When I tried to talk to him about things he was too tired to talk or he turned things around to where I was at fault. That, my friends, is not communication.

This time around I know that I have love in my life. I feel loved and I feel appreciated. That, I believe, is what makes the difference.