A Very Wise Man

What the superior man seeks is in himself.
What the mean man seeks is in others.
~Confucius~
The Confucian Analects

A very wise man said something that stuck with me today. We were chatting about relationships and I was teasing him about his girlfriend. Then he said, "The secret of keeping your wife happy is not treating her like a wife or a girlfriend."

"Huh." I thought. He's right. When you start dating someone you are interested in you always put your best foot forward. You care about what they think and how they feel. You even strike up a communication with them, something that seems to get lost as relationships grow. After you have been with someone a while you do tend to find yourself feeling comfortable and doing the same things. You even take one another for granted.

If we stopped and thought about the same things we did when we were dating, how would that change our relationships? Personally, I think it would make a world of difference.

Those of us that have children might think it's a bit more difficult to do that. However, if you think about it it's not the planning or the dating that he's talking about. It won't take any more time out of your day. It's an attitude thing. Just change the way you think about the other person. Not as someone that has to stay with you because you are now linked, but as someone that you really enjoy being around and wanting to spend time with.

Now how cool is that? Who would have thought that a single guy that works all day with numbers could be so relationship savvy?

Some people are clueless

In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.

~Dorothy Parker

A woman who has met me once has decided that she knows all about me and has the right to make judgments. Most of her information came from two teenagers, one belonging to her, who have both admitted that they lied and exaggerated issues because they were upset they weren't getting their way. Of course to me, in a facebook message instead of direct communication, she insulted me regarding her child and how my decisions with mine affect their life. For instance, I should not call my child home for lying to me and not having done her chores. I should wait until she is finished doing whatever fun activities her child has planned because it's not fair for her child to be affected that way.
There is a weird logic in that. It is true that calling my child home for lying and not having her chores done does affect the plans they made with her child if she gets into trouble. However, allowing a child to get away with lying and not doing what they were specifically told to do is not a good example to set. If you lived by that rule your child would make sure they were always making plans with someone else. The rule is simple, you can go when your chores are done. How we discipline is really not of the concern of this other parent, nor is the way she disciplines in her home our concern.
In my home all the children have chores, even the ten year old. The funny thing is that none of the teenagers actually do their chores the way they are supposed to. The ten year old is the only one that voluntarily seems to do them. Each child is given an opportunity to have an allowance if their room is clean on payday. The only child that has actually managed to get his allowance is again, you guessed it, the ten year old. My 15 year old has been cleaning his room for months. If you listened to him you'd think that the items in his room were possessed because they somehow manage to make their way back down to the floor and it never looks any differently than before he started cleaning.
According to this woman we used our daughter as a Cinderella. We don't love her and we abuse her. Now these are horrible allegations from a woman that has never stepped one foot into our home nor ever taken ten minutes out of her time to actually speak with me. She lied to me one time to get our daughter off restriction because her son wanted to see her. I found out it was a lie, after saying we could make arrangements, and confronted her about lying to me. Since that day this woman has hated me. Evidently lying is okay in her book, and you never confront the person that lies to you. I never have worked that way.
The truth, according to my daughter, is that this same woman hates her. She calls her names such as "fat ass." She has insulted our family by calling us names. She has told my daughter that she's not good enough for her son. My daughter has come home from their home crying numerous times. After being in their home she yells at people and uses language that she knows is inappropriate, even in Wal-Mart, for which we have had to call her on. Her son has called her names, has allowed his friends to call her names. Being there makes her feel less about herself. So, we compromised. We told her that she was allowed to see the boy but was not allowed in his house. They could meet in other places where it was neutral territory such as the mall, go out to dinner, take some time to walk in the park, or even watch a movie.
Of course this was short lived, and again they lied. They went back to his home, which became evident, and the incidents started all over again. Verbal tirades over the phone in our home with screaming and cussing and crying.
There is only so much you can do as a parent. When a child gets to be within a couple of months of being 18 your hands become more tied. They make decisions that you don't agree with and that you can see are hurting them more and more. It breaks your heart. No parent wants to watch their child self-destruct.
The other mother says that I don't love my daughter. That is the farthest thing from the truth that she has ever said. I love my daughter enough to want to give her another chance to put things right in her life. I love my daughter enough to present her with opportunities to get away from vile and contemptuous statements made by ignorant people that prefer to say hateful things about her and then pretend they care.
Has our relationship with our daughter been tumultuous? Absolutely. We spent over a year in therapy. She was taken out of our home by the state because she was considered a danger to the younger children. She had things happen to her by her biological family that no child should have had to endure. She lashed out in ways that were very hard for anyone to take. She fell into bad habits that seemed impossible to break. We stuck it out through the years never giving up. She knows, because of this, that she is loved. She's told me so, that she pushed and pushed to make sure she was loved. It was never easy for any of us.
In the long run what a friend offered is to help give her a new opportunity to get out of the rut she has put herself in. To discover a place without a history or with people that know all the things that she's done. Somewhere she doesn't feel she's in competition and will feel needed.
According to this other woman, who either makes up things in her head or prefers lies over discovering the truth, our daughter is being "forced against her will" to go. However, an "anonymous" phone call to the police saying such things as we were abusing her and she was being shipped off against her will proved otherwise. The police, after speaking with our daughter, determined that she needed to get away from her situation with her boyfriend and never look back. He determined she was indeed in an abusive situation - with the boyfriend - and that a fresh start was just what she needed.
In the end, I could care less what this woman believes or feels. She has her own issues in her family including problems with her own children. I'm sure those take their own toll on her as well.
My concern is over my own child who has been through enough for two lifetimes. Did she lie to these people? Probably. Why would she lie? Because she wanted them to like her. Did it work? No. The boy I think genuinely cares for her though; he just had problems with knowing how to show it sometimes.
Bottom line is this - I am not perfect. I do not have all the answers. I make mistakes. But in the long run I will do whatever it takes to do what is best for my family and I will not be bullied by some clueless woman into thinking that I am a bad person and doing the wrong thing. I have great kids that are intelligent and have a lot of love in their hearts. We must have done something right.

Contemplating...

I ran across this picture on my phone this morning. It was taken June 2009 in Ocean City. It was beautiful. Seeing it this morning reminds me how much I truly love my husband.
I think we forget sometimes where we start in a relationship. We tend to take little things for granted, but honestly little things are what make up life.
I don't know what he was thinking here, but I hope he is thinking about what a wonderful life we have built together. I want him to remember not only where we started but what we have accomplished.
All I really know is my life is much better with him then it ever could be without him.

Hints for Marriage and Relationships in the New Year

No one wants to start the New Year on a bad note. If you are in a relationship or married you definitely want things to be happy and go smoothly. So here's a few hints for those in relationships for the New Year that correlate with our new techie lifestyles:

1. Put down the computer! - How much time do you spend on the computer? Play games? Watch movies? Blog? Chat? Get on facebook and myspace? Take time away from the computer and spend some time EVERY DAY with your partner. Even if you just snuggle on the couch and hold each other while a bad rerun is playing it's better than keeping your hands on the keyboard and chit chatting with them. Take an hour or thirty minutes and give each other attention. Having a computer in the bedroom is just as bad as having a television in the bedroom. It's better to read a book and snuggle than it is to hold a large piece of plastic in your lap and read. That large piece of plastic makes it harder for your partner to get near you.

2. Don't air your dirty laundry on sites! - Okay, it's addicting and fun, but seriously. You don't have to air all your dirty laundry about your spouse online. Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter are not the best places to talk crap about people. Once there the words never go away but are forever available for the world to see in cyberspace... even after kisses and forgiveness has been done.

3. Quit hooking up with people on websites! - Online chatting and dating are becoming real problems. It takes us back to number 1 too. Why are you spending time flirting and having online sex talks with people when you have a real person right there in your home? Hello? Maybe this is one reason you are having problems, genius. And you think you're being sneaky? Think again. Did you know that around 25% of divorces today have named facebook as a reason for being divorced? You will be found out. So, instead of spending time having pretend sex with a person online, try the real thing with a real person that lives with you. Actually talking to them and having relations with them might fix some of your problems.

4. Make a date night at least once per month! - Yes, I do realize that things get busy, but with all the new time you are making by putting down the computer and actually looking at the life you have around you you can make time to actually take out your siggie. (*siggie = significant other) It's great to reconnect and help develop some of that waning romance. Take turns picking out the date and don't be afraid to be creative and try new things.

5. Go to bed at the same time! - Don't let your partner go to bed before or after you do. Make it a routine to go to bed together. Spend a few minutes sharing ideas for the new days or just sharing thoughts. You might be surprised to see what happens. It could be the very thing you need to revamp that sex life.

6. Don't lie to each other! - Even if it's little white lies it ain't good, Bucko. You can skim the truth but eventually it's going to come out. If you don't share what's wrong they can't help and vice versa. Part of being in a relationship is being able to share. If you have a crush on someone bring it out in the open and maybe it won't be such a problem because holding it in only romanticizes it. Bringing it out in the open may actually help you get over it.

7. Don't blow off the handle! - Especially if he/she is sharing with you. If they do have a secret crush and they are bringing it to your attention it means they trust you to be able to handle it. Take things in stride. Remember, once you lose your temper you've lost the argument. You can't have a conversation if you're yelling and anger only causes hurtful things to be said. Take some time to calm down and then discuss things. Be aware, be patient, and try to see the other person's point of view.

We'll stop at lucky number seven. Hope you all find that your love is grand in the coming year!

The Secret to a Happy Marriage

I've been unhappily married and happily married. Like most people I much prefer the latter. Who wouldn't?

I think those that base their marriage simply on the love factor might be making a mistake. Love is grand, but it's like constantly eating the same meat without adding any spice, garnish, potatoes, or vegetables. Eventually it's going to be boring and you're going to want to go out for a side dish and dessert.

Make sure you have someone you can share things with - a key here is communication. You shouldn't be with someone that is constantly misunderstanding you and doesn't respect you.

Another mistake many people make is when they believe that a baby can save their marriage. You might want to keep in mind that sexual relations change with pregnancy and years after a child is born. A study at Texas A & M University show that about 90% of couples lose some degree of satisfaction in sexual relations after the birth of a child. A spouse that was very sexually romantic before the birth of a child is more than likely going to have a very difficult time adjusting to parenthood. The study also showed that those couples that took the time to become friends and shared their ideas and thoughts had less difficulty with adjusting to parenthood.

So, what does this mean? It means don't rush into a relationship. Take the time to get to know and actually like one another. People that rush into a marriage due to passion and sexual satisfaction tend to not stay married and become bored with their relationship.

According to an article in CNN that uses this study and others:

1. Birth of children puts a strain on a marriage
2. Boredom in a marriage have long term affects on a relationship
3. Happier people are less like to be divorced

So, you might want to keep in mind that a happy person keeps a happier family. Yet, in the US alone 1 in 6 people in the US believe they suffer from depression.

Here are some Pasty hints for a happy marriage:

1. Talk to one another. Not just about the easy stuff. Talk about everything and really get to know each other. Brace yourself for the things that are tough and don't take everything that is said personally. Internalizing what is said is not really listening.

2. Do things together. Don't make excuses that you don't have time or anything else like "we don't have the money" or "what do we do with the kids." Find solutions and make it happen. Taking a walk in a park doesn't cost anything and friends, even parents of friends, will more than likely not mind watching the kids for an hour or so, especially if the deed is reciprocated.

3. Learn to play together and laugh together. Have fun. Forget the problems and things that keep you down. Worrying about things does not make them go away. Share your problems and find a productive and workable solution. Work toward your goals together as a couple. There should never be a martyr in a marriage.

Sometimes love just isn't enough. Having a good relationship is work, but it's very much worthwhile. When you are close to your partner every minute you are with each other is a memory in the making.