A Very Wise Man

What the superior man seeks is in himself.
What the mean man seeks is in others.
~Confucius~
The Confucian Analects

A very wise man said something that stuck with me today. We were chatting about relationships and I was teasing him about his girlfriend. Then he said, "The secret of keeping your wife happy is not treating her like a wife or a girlfriend."

"Huh." I thought. He's right. When you start dating someone you are interested in you always put your best foot forward. You care about what they think and how they feel. You even strike up a communication with them, something that seems to get lost as relationships grow. After you have been with someone a while you do tend to find yourself feeling comfortable and doing the same things. You even take one another for granted.

If we stopped and thought about the same things we did when we were dating, how would that change our relationships? Personally, I think it would make a world of difference.

Those of us that have children might think it's a bit more difficult to do that. However, if you think about it it's not the planning or the dating that he's talking about. It won't take any more time out of your day. It's an attitude thing. Just change the way you think about the other person. Not as someone that has to stay with you because you are now linked, but as someone that you really enjoy being around and wanting to spend time with.

Now how cool is that? Who would have thought that a single guy that works all day with numbers could be so relationship savvy?

Teenagers and Authority

I know that teenagers aren't supposed to like authority or being told no. I realize that when most kids get to preteen age they think that they have already grown into adulthood and know more than the parents. Evidently in the world of youth after you pass the age of 25 you become ignorant.

Such is the case with my 16 year old daughter who has her very first boy toy. They have been dating and seeing each other. She was shocked when I knew she had hickey's by the mere deduction that all of a sudden in July she was wearing ribbons and scarves around her neck. How did I know?

I realize that they will be making out. I realize that they want to spend as much time together as possible. I realize that they will be tempted to do other things that I would rather not think about right now.

I also realize that no matter how many times she asks I will not think it's okay for her to spend the night at his house. So give it up.

She thought that by calling me after the concert and waking me up I'd be prime to change my mind. Wasn't happening. Then she thought arguing would change my mind. Nope. What it did get her was four days of restriction for not respecting me in the first place.

No matter how discreet you plan to be...

I was astounded when I learned about a website that caters to married people wanting to have an affair. Their motto? "When monogamy becomes monotony!" They have over 2 million members in the UK, US, and Ireland.

No matter how "discreet" you think you are being there can be repercussions, as proven by a Texas woman who gave birth to two babies with different daddies.

A disbelieving Mia, 20, told The Sun: “Out of all the people in America and all the people in the world, this had to happen to me.”

The Texas mum admitted having the affair at the time she conceived, and submitted to a paternity test because the two boys looked so unalike.

The double pregnancy is known technically as “heteropaternal superfecundation”.

Well, needless to say her secret is out.



Oh, and remember the shock of the baby faced Alfie in the UK that was "thrilled" to be a dad even though he was only 13. His hopes were dashed when he found out his unfaithful girlfriend really wasn't a virgin, but had had numerous encounters (where is this girls mother?) and the real father (via paternity testing) turned out to be a 15 year old boy living in the same complex. He was shocked because he said, "I thought she'd take care of it." She did, by lying. Only she didn't get away with it.

It's not that affairs are not heard of, but it is that I don't think people stop to realize the damage that they do to other people. When you have a home, a spouse, and children everyone suffers. The time you take away from you spouse is time you also take away from your children. There should be other options to help you get past the bad times.

People can make any excuse they want for why an affair is justified, but it's not. It hurts people and tears families apart.

I suggest if things are bad in your marriage spend the time trying to fix things. Talk about what it is that bothers you or that you are looking for. Don't take a high hand, but learn to listen as well. Make date nights so that you can bring back some "alone" time. Keep an open mind about things your partner may want or want to try.

If all else fails then talk about seeing other people so that there are no surprises. Set ground rules for each other if you go this route, but don't make the rules unrealistic.

With the collapse of what some consider the moral structure of our society it also seems as if the demise of the traditional family is dying as well. I find this concept very sad.

As a happily married monogamous woman I can attest that monogamy does not have to be monotonous. It can actually be very satisfying.

The Secret to a Happy Marriage

I've been unhappily married and happily married. Like most people I much prefer the latter. Who wouldn't?

I think those that base their marriage simply on the love factor might be making a mistake. Love is grand, but it's like constantly eating the same meat without adding any spice, garnish, potatoes, or vegetables. Eventually it's going to be boring and you're going to want to go out for a side dish and dessert.

Make sure you have someone you can share things with - a key here is communication. You shouldn't be with someone that is constantly misunderstanding you and doesn't respect you.

Another mistake many people make is when they believe that a baby can save their marriage. You might want to keep in mind that sexual relations change with pregnancy and years after a child is born. A study at Texas A & M University show that about 90% of couples lose some degree of satisfaction in sexual relations after the birth of a child. A spouse that was very sexually romantic before the birth of a child is more than likely going to have a very difficult time adjusting to parenthood. The study also showed that those couples that took the time to become friends and shared their ideas and thoughts had less difficulty with adjusting to parenthood.

So, what does this mean? It means don't rush into a relationship. Take the time to get to know and actually like one another. People that rush into a marriage due to passion and sexual satisfaction tend to not stay married and become bored with their relationship.

According to an article in CNN that uses this study and others:

1. Birth of children puts a strain on a marriage
2. Boredom in a marriage have long term affects on a relationship
3. Happier people are less like to be divorced

So, you might want to keep in mind that a happy person keeps a happier family. Yet, in the US alone 1 in 6 people in the US believe they suffer from depression.

Here are some Pasty hints for a happy marriage:

1. Talk to one another. Not just about the easy stuff. Talk about everything and really get to know each other. Brace yourself for the things that are tough and don't take everything that is said personally. Internalizing what is said is not really listening.

2. Do things together. Don't make excuses that you don't have time or anything else like "we don't have the money" or "what do we do with the kids." Find solutions and make it happen. Taking a walk in a park doesn't cost anything and friends, even parents of friends, will more than likely not mind watching the kids for an hour or so, especially if the deed is reciprocated.

3. Learn to play together and laugh together. Have fun. Forget the problems and things that keep you down. Worrying about things does not make them go away. Share your problems and find a productive and workable solution. Work toward your goals together as a couple. There should never be a martyr in a marriage.

Sometimes love just isn't enough. Having a good relationship is work, but it's very much worthwhile. When you are close to your partner every minute you are with each other is a memory in the making.