A Very Wise Man

What the superior man seeks is in himself.
What the mean man seeks is in others.
~Confucius~
The Confucian Analects

A very wise man said something that stuck with me today. We were chatting about relationships and I was teasing him about his girlfriend. Then he said, "The secret of keeping your wife happy is not treating her like a wife or a girlfriend."

"Huh." I thought. He's right. When you start dating someone you are interested in you always put your best foot forward. You care about what they think and how they feel. You even strike up a communication with them, something that seems to get lost as relationships grow. After you have been with someone a while you do tend to find yourself feeling comfortable and doing the same things. You even take one another for granted.

If we stopped and thought about the same things we did when we were dating, how would that change our relationships? Personally, I think it would make a world of difference.

Those of us that have children might think it's a bit more difficult to do that. However, if you think about it it's not the planning or the dating that he's talking about. It won't take any more time out of your day. It's an attitude thing. Just change the way you think about the other person. Not as someone that has to stay with you because you are now linked, but as someone that you really enjoy being around and wanting to spend time with.

Now how cool is that? Who would have thought that a single guy that works all day with numbers could be so relationship savvy?

After the Loving

The marriage encounter weekend was more than I could have ever imagined. There was so much that I learned and experienced, and I have to admit I did not go with an open mind. I was very skeptical. Even as the first couple started speaking I was wondering what I was doing there. I found out soon enough. I was doing something that I should be doing.

I think what I discovered was a deeper intimacy with my husband. Not sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy. Suddenly all of the things we went through - any issue no matter how small or how large - just didn't matter. What mattered most was where we were. I realized that it was Brian's idea to go in the first place. He had no qualms about calling and setting things up for us. It really meant a lot to him as well.

Saturday night close to the wee hours of Sunday morning I sat up in bed and listened to my husband snore. It was comforting and it made me smile. With each intake of breath I knew he was alive, and as strange as it was, I knew that he loved me. If I got up from the bed he would stir and ask me if I was okay. How do I know, because he does it all the time. I can move and in his sleep he checks on me. Even in sleep I seem to be on his mind.

Sunday morning as I sat in our small cube on the twin bed we shared, I remembered someone from my past. I could almost see her in the room with me. Her name was Darlene Kellogg. She was an amazing woman and a great friend. She had two children, a boy and a girl. She was the one that sewed a lot of Sarah's clothes as a child - dresses complete with little pinafores, and she even sewed the first wedding dress for my sister, Kim.

Darlene was married to a hard working man, Earl. They seemed so loving and supportive of one another. But one day Darlene told me that Earl working nights was taking a toll on their marriage. They weren't able to spend a lot of time together. This coupled with the fact that Darlene's brother disappeared one night only to find him laying dead in a field several months later only put more of a strain on them, I'm sure.

I don't remember how Darlene and I grew apart. I'm sure it was my fault. I started going to college. I seemed to have lost track of a lot of my friends and neighbors for a while. Of course I was growing further apart from my husband at that time as well. Regardless of the reasons - more like excuses, I think - we lost touch.

Years later I discovered that Darlene had passed away. She and Earl had divorced. I admit I was surprised, but then I realized that everyone was surprised when I had divorced my first husband, Oscar. No one thought we had any problems. They didn't know about my crying at night alone or how we fussed over who was to blame for what petty thing. None of those things matter now, but then they seemed so important. "Little things matter."

Darlene, on this cold and snowy Sunday morning, made a difference in how I saw things. I had let a good friend go and I couldn't even think of a good reason why I would let that happen. I wasn't there for her when she more than likely could have used a good person to lean on. And maybe, just maybe, if she and Earl had given themselves an opportunity to try a weekend of rediscovery of each other they wouldn't have lost each other either. But that wasn't important, because I couldn't change the past.

What is important is I have control over what I do know now. I know that I am deeply in love with my husband. I know that I have some great friends and a wonderful life. I have been blessed and instead of sweating the small stuff I just need to trust that I'm not alone when I face them. I am at peace at this moment with the decisions I have made in my life. I have a renewal in the relationship with my husband and with my family. Life really is good.

So here is a little sappy song with lyrics so you can sing along. Give it a try. :)

Today I am sad

It is the people that you love most in the world that can actually hurt you. It's not that you expect them to hurt you or want them to hurt you, it's just that because you let them at your heart and they have access to it they have that ability. You don't want them to or expect them to either. This is where trust comes into play.

No one is a perfect person. We all have flaws and we all make mistakes. It is when the mistakes you made and the flaws you have embarrass you enough that you have to turn them onto someone else that shows you don't plan on correcting them. You merely justify them instead. This means, most of the time, that you have no remorse and you plan on making the same mistakes over and over again. Instead of owning to mistakes on one's life and twisting them to suit a tale more awarding to yourself shows that you are destined to repeat the faux pas of the past. Isn't it better to move forward?

My life has not ever been an easy one. I was abandoned by a father I never knew. Suffered at the hands of abusive people. I lost my natural mother as a child. My first sexual experience was rape. My first "true love" abandoned me. The list goes on.

But in spite of the negatives in my life I would prefer to focus on the positive. I graduated from high school and the university. I have beautiful children whom I adore. I am in love with my  husband. I have a nice home with pets I was never allowed to have as a child. I have family, including a step-mother who has taken me in like a birth mother, who share my life with me. I have friends-real friends, not fly by night friends.

There are times that I have felt broken. Thinking back the reason that I was in that position was about the people that I love and the hurt they could inflict. Some people may thing that giving up on love would be the safer bet. Keep the heart locked up and sealed tight. I disagree.

Perhaps it is easier to lock it up and save yourself from the lies the people that love you tell. They have their own reasons for doing so. You could block them and push them from you, but because you love them you just draw them closer. Why? Because maybe the lies they tell are really something else. Sometimes, yes, they are just being vicious and are undeserving. Most of the time, however, it's because they don't like themselves and they feel unworthy. In the case of one particular person I know, they changed history because their history was just too much for them to handle.

Still, it really does hurt and make you sad when someone you care about lies about you or twists things around to make them seem more favorable. It makes you wonder if they really care about you. I think this is what makes you sad. Thinking that someone you open yourself up to really hasn't opened themselves up to you in return. Then there is also the thought of why would they want to lie about or to someone they really care about?

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Confessions of an Evony Addict

I started playing Evony II, not because of the busty women that were trying to entice players via cleavage, (I have enough of my own, thanks). It wasn't because I had too much time to kill during the day. Taking care of four children, a husband, and a house full of critters keeps a person pretty busy. It wasn't because I needed a game to play, I was already invested in some zoo game and was collecting animals. Looking back I have no idea what made me click that facebook button to start. Fate maybe?
The first day I played I started on server na13. I joined an alliance, the first one that I came to. I had no idea what I was doing and to this day I don't know why they accepted me. I certainly didn't fit their criteria for membership, having no prestige points. I just kind of slipped through the cracks. Then something amazing happened. I started chatting with people and I like them.
I have never been a chatter. I never went to chat rooms to find people. I had friends and family and have felt very fulfilled with my life. Looking back starting up conversations with random people wasn't my cup of tea. Yet here I was in the middle of a game I had never had any intention of playing and doing something I had never had an interest in doing. I found I loved being in the alliance and helping work with others to accomplish absolutely nothing worth accomplishing. It's a game, but I was having fun. These people were funny and full of life. They were real to me.
You've heard the old adage that "all good things must come to an end?" My life on na13 did as well. Some of us thought of it as a game, but I learned that others thought of it as their life. It's quite sad, really. One person in particular decide that he was the Tyrant of Evony. He was technically in charge of the alliance. Long story short he kind of broke us up and I ended up telling him off via mail. I killed off my cities there and was ready to leave.
One of my new found friends talked me into going to another server. We were going to start again. It wasn't the game as much as it was that we liked talking to one another. A third person followed. He told the others where we were and more came and joined us in our new home on na15. We made it an adult alliance due to the R rated conversations we have.
I have to admit that our conversations are entertaining. We share our lives and adventures with each other. We share dirty jokes, bad jokes, and jabs. We care about what happens to each other. We shared our facebook  pages with one another.
It's about the people. Yes, we play the game, but we found a place where most of us feel the same way about life. We support one another and we honestly care. Plus, we get to band together to kick butt. It's perfect.
I know that gaming is the problem in many relationships. I do not condone someone spending their lives playing a game and ignoring their families or responsibilities. Chatting should never be a substitute for one on one conversations. But for me these people I have met on Evony are my friends. They are people I would happily go and meet and have to my home.
Hello. My name is Pasty. I admit I am an Evony addict, but it's not the game I'm addicted to. It's the people.

* Update: Since writing this post I have quit playing Evony. I still have some of the friends I met on there and we converse on Facebook. But one should note: It is never okay to have a game get in the way of family life or spouses. Make sure that you don't let the game get in the way of actually living.

Making Friends with . . .

So, who do you want to make friends with? I never thought about making friends with Death.  I also never considered I might need special instructions for making friends with black people, or yellow people, or even white people. I kinda figured it would just work itself out based on our personalities. Now I do realize that making friends with girls is kinda tricky sometimes. Women are fickle. Don't really want to make friends with Hitler especially since he's dead. I also had no idea that there were instructions for making friends with shadows on the wall. Now that I do I will come back and look if I ever get lonely enough. As for making friends with my food - not a good idea. I can't eat my friends and I'd starve to death.

Life and Our Expectations

There are so many things that I still want to do in life. It seems that I don't have enough time for a lot of it, but how much time do I actually waste? I don't think I want to look at the answer to that question. But if I'm spending that time being me, is the time really wasted? I don't know if I want to answer that one either.

A young mother last night said the same thing, just about. She said, "I'm almost thirty and I see time slipping away. There are so many things I still want to do and I don't feel I'm living up to my potential." She has four small children, a sick husband, and a full time job. Amazing. I find her inspiring that she can manage all that she does and still make time for friends. But in her perspective she feels that she isn't doing enough and isn't doing all that she wants to do.

On the other hand I know people that sit around and complain about not having enough in life. They complain about their jobs, the way their life is going, how their children treat them, their disatisfaction with their relationships, and so on. When you tell them to make changes they just don't want to or say they can't. But, honestly, everyone can make changes. It's that they don't want to. A lot of people fear change. They like knowing what is going to happen even if what is happening is bad, because at least they they feel as if they have some control.

I don't desire to be a super star. I do desire to be the best that I can be. If I feel as if I'm accomplished in my small part of the world I've done something. I've become someone. It's not the measure of everyone else in the world that matters, it's the measure we give ourselves.

My children think I'm wonderful. My husband likes being with me and supports me in everything I do. My family adores me and they tell me every day. I've done something right here, and that says a lot.

So what if we struggle to pay the bills or if we can't afford to go on a European Cruise? We have something here that some people don't and no matter how much time and effort they put into being successful and popular and rich they won't be able to buy it. Success isn't measured by how much money you have - it's measured by how much happiness you have in your life.

9 Year Old Texas Girl Marries

My mother died of cancer when I was 9 years old. It was very hard watching her deteriorate over time, especially when you couldn't quite understand why. My mother was a very good person, kind-hearted, loving, giving.

Today I watched on the news as a very distraught mother of a 9 year old daughter with Leukemia walk down the aisle and get married. The groom was her age or a year or two younger. They met in the cancer hospital and learned to support one another.

In about 3 weeks he will be a very young widower.

But the one thing that hit me in the ceremony, besides the strength of the little girl to live life to the fullest in her last days, were the words of the minister. "Do you promise to be his friend forever?"

That's a very powerful question. If adults could make a promise like that when marrying I think the divorce rate would go way down. Somewhere along the line many of us forget to be friends.

Thank you, Brian, for being my friend forever.




Thank you, children, for showing hope to everyone in a time when for you others would see things as being quite hopeless. You are truly an inspiration.

It doesn't get better than this.

Today was freezing and snowy. The streets were slick, yet filled with brave drivers daring the snow to try to keep them homebound.

Sleep deprived I was one that ventured into the white mass of slippery chill with my best friend, Brenda, who was not to be daunted by freezing temperatures and invisible streets. Her heart was set on getting a Wii Fit, which are evidently hard to find here. She was so intent on this task that she was willing to drive 60 miles round trip to make the acquisition to Wal-Mart in Berlin, Wisconsin. The only faux pas we had was in Oshkosh on the return home when the car decided to careen into a curb. The curb won.

After finally making it home I decided to take the boys and the hubby out to a movie. The theater in Menasha has cheap seats and food. The food isn't the greatest, but it's not the worse either. A waitress actually comes and brings food to you so that you don't have to miss the movie.

We watched "Bedtime Stories," which turned out to be cute, much to my surprise. However the best part of the movie was snuggling next to my husband and listening to the boys snigger at the funny parts.

In spite of the cold outside, the moment was very warm and makes one forget the chill of the night.