Winter vs. Spring

Today is rather a gloomy day. It is supposed to be Spring, but it's like Winter won't let go and is clinging to the Earth for dear life. It is as if when Spring comes Winter will still have it's icy fingers embedded somewhere keeping a chill in the air so it won't be forgotten. 

Just stuff

Tomorrow I go in the hospital for complete knee replacements in both knees. I've heard people say I'm crazy for "letting" them do that. I actually asked for them to do that. I figure one time in the hospital for both knees would be better considering both knees are equally bad. I have been in a lot of pain. Why would I just want one to feel better and then go back and do it again? Okay, so it is going to take a longer time to recover. I can deal with that. It's all gravy, baby.

I have also seen something I should have realized before.

If someone is living in the past, it stands to reason they harbor a lot of resentment and anger from before. It serves no purpose and yet they coddle it and cling to it like some long lost friend.

The truth is no one can go back and change things. It's done. Some people can and may apologize and you can forgive them or not. Some people that you blame had nothing to do with things, they were as much victim as you were. What you are doing is transferring your anger to something tangible and still around. Why? Probably because you have to have something to hang on to from the past so you can internally justify your anger. However, truth be told, all it is doing is eating you alive and keeping you from having a happy and productive life.

For that, you have no one to blame but yourself.

But looking to the future, when I will be able to walk or stand for more than ten minutes, I will have a new grandson. We don't know his name yet, but I'm convinced he is going to be born with a great sense of humor. This is a good thing. He is going to need it. Lucky for him, he's got a lot of love waiting for him when he finally comes out of his mommy.

My daughter was told by some people that she's crazy doing a home birth and for thinking about using cloth diapers. Seriously people?

When was it "unnatural" to do a "natural" childbirth. It's not that it's a bad idea or crazy. Please. When did we start becoming a society where drugs were the norm for what was originally done for centuries without them? I think people that criticize having a baby without drugs might need to stand back and consider what they are saying.

As for cloth diapers - they ain't like they used to be. But even if they were, bravo for her deciding to do something that doesn't add to the mounting landfill of garbage we have in the country. At least one person is looking at economy and benefit over ease and excessive cost.

I'm sure there are some that don't think it's good for her to breast feed either. What could be more beneficial than mother's milk? I've heard people complaining about breast feeding mothers. Others that didn't do it making the excuse that it hurt. Get over it. Again, this is natural, saves money, and is better for the baby. Yes, it hurts for a while, but that pain goes away. Sometimes we have to think about something other than ourselves and our comfort.

This is real life. If you really want drama, turn on the Soap Channel. Some of us are just here to live, love, and be happy.

Today I am sad

It is the people that you love most in the world that can actually hurt you. It's not that you expect them to hurt you or want them to hurt you, it's just that because you let them at your heart and they have access to it they have that ability. You don't want them to or expect them to either. This is where trust comes into play.

No one is a perfect person. We all have flaws and we all make mistakes. It is when the mistakes you made and the flaws you have embarrass you enough that you have to turn them onto someone else that shows you don't plan on correcting them. You merely justify them instead. This means, most of the time, that you have no remorse and you plan on making the same mistakes over and over again. Instead of owning to mistakes on one's life and twisting them to suit a tale more awarding to yourself shows that you are destined to repeat the faux pas of the past. Isn't it better to move forward?

My life has not ever been an easy one. I was abandoned by a father I never knew. Suffered at the hands of abusive people. I lost my natural mother as a child. My first sexual experience was rape. My first "true love" abandoned me. The list goes on.

But in spite of the negatives in my life I would prefer to focus on the positive. I graduated from high school and the university. I have beautiful children whom I adore. I am in love with my  husband. I have a nice home with pets I was never allowed to have as a child. I have family, including a step-mother who has taken me in like a birth mother, who share my life with me. I have friends-real friends, not fly by night friends.

There are times that I have felt broken. Thinking back the reason that I was in that position was about the people that I love and the hurt they could inflict. Some people may thing that giving up on love would be the safer bet. Keep the heart locked up and sealed tight. I disagree.

Perhaps it is easier to lock it up and save yourself from the lies the people that love you tell. They have their own reasons for doing so. You could block them and push them from you, but because you love them you just draw them closer. Why? Because maybe the lies they tell are really something else. Sometimes, yes, they are just being vicious and are undeserving. Most of the time, however, it's because they don't like themselves and they feel unworthy. In the case of one particular person I know, they changed history because their history was just too much for them to handle.

Still, it really does hurt and make you sad when someone you care about lies about you or twists things around to make them seem more favorable. It makes you wonder if they really care about you. I think this is what makes you sad. Thinking that someone you open yourself up to really hasn't opened themselves up to you in return. Then there is also the thought of why would they want to lie about or to someone they really care about?

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Turning the Corner

Yesterday I went to the doctor and received my okay for the surgery on September 20 to get both of my knees replaced. The first thing that you hear is that there will be a lot of pain post surgery, but the next thing everyone says is that I will be so happy to have it done. I will feel like I have my life back. So, here is to a new corner coming up in my life. I raise my glass to the new adventure that awaits me.

This year isn't over yet, but there have been some very bitter and sweet moments. Life is that way. We have good and bad times, sometimes the bad outweigh the good and sometimes it's about even, or you feel ahead of the game. Whichever it is, life continues and blind corners await decisions that we make. The turn may take us down a newly paves street, a rocky forgotten road, or maybe it ends in a field of crops that need to be taken care of. Whatever we find, it's ours.

No one ever promised that life was easy; it's not. But life is worth continuing on for because we will always have new experiences.


“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it”

Chuck Swindoll

Shhhhhh!

Secrets you keep to spare another’s heart
Will only make them hurt more.
For secrets are sneaky little things that
Creep around corners and whisper,
“Someone is hiding something from you!”
They do not like being kept hidden
In shadows but seek the light
Where they see their damage.
A secret can destroy a relationship.
It can kill a friendship.
It can separate a parent from a child.
It is a powerful and dreadful weapon
Which can only be destroyed by Truth.

Ingrid Michaelson on Ellen

I think that it's always a pleasure to see Ingrid Michaelson sing. She is a wonderful and talented performer. I honestly never considered myself a fan of anything but just an appreciator of talent, but this kid is changing my mind as I found myself watching Ellen for the sole purpose of getting to see her sing. My boys were there waiting as well. They got bored by Ellen and wandered away, but kept coming back to see if Ingrid was on yet. When she came on they were again mesmerized.

So why do you think she hits home? Maybe because her songs remind us of just being alive and trying to survive. We all have dreams and setbacks and I think Ingrid Michaelson catches this in her music.

Here she is singing Maybe.



Lyrics:
I don't wanna be the one to say, "Goodbye" but I will, I will, I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly but I will, I will, Oh yes I will.

'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back; you're gonna come back around.
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back; you're gonna come back.
Oh. The only way to really know is to really let it go.
Maybe you're gonna come back. You're gonna come back. You're gonna come back to me.

I don't wanna be the first to let it go. Oh. But I know, I know, I know.
If you have the last hands that I want to hold, then I know I've got to let them go.

'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back; you're gonna come back around.
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back; you're gonna come back.
Oh. The only way to really know is to really let it go.
Maybe you're gonna come back. You're gonna come back. You're gonna come back.

I still feel you on the right side of the bed.
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
And I'm gonna wash away (I'm gonna wash away)
Oh. I'm gonna wash away everything 'til you come home to me.

Maybe in the future you're gonna come back. You're gonna come back in the future
You're gonna come back. You're gonna come back.
'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back. You're gonna come back around.
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back. You're gonna come back.
Oh. The only way to really know is to really let it go

Maybe in the future you're gonna come back (You're gonna come back)
You're gonna come back around.
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back. (You're gonna come back)
You're gonna come back around.
Oh. The only way to really know is to really let it go.
(Maybe in the future you're gonna come back. You're gonna come back around)
Maybe you're gonna come back. (You're gonna come back)
You're gonna come back. You're gonna come back to me

Mmmmm. You're gonna come back to me. You're gonna come back to me

My Favorite Imo

I absolutely love learning about different cultures. One of the main reasons could be because of my background. My biological mother came here from Italy and passed away when I was 9. I still miss her. My father remarried when I was 10 to my present mother, whom is Korean, and one of the most remarkable women anyone could ever know.

Needless to say my background was fraught with difficulties and complications that could fill a novel. Most people would swear I had to be lying. However, it is what it is and it made me who I am. Though I would never wish what I lived through on anyone else difficulties made me stronger.

This morning I was thinking about my Imo Moon Ja. When I was a young girl I thought she was one of the most beautiful people I had ever met. She had the kindest soul and the most upbeat spirit. Yet often times she was sad.

In Seoul she had been a professor of Korean at the university. In the US she was nothing more than another person coming to the US trying to fit in. I remember her crying one night saying that people in the US treated her as if she were stupid because she wasn't proficient in English. They felt that because she couldn't express herself in English that she had to be ignorant and treated her that way. She was not happy. I know that Imo Moon Ja was far from stupid. She had a world of knowledge tucked away in her brain. In reality it was those that couldn't see or understand the intelligence that was there that were lacking in brain power.

Imo used to spend a lot of time with me. She would teach me Korean words and gave me a Korean name. She was very energetic and loving. I knew that when she married my Uncle P.D., who was also Korean as well as a very gifted artist, that they would have wonderfully brilliant children. I was right. They had three, two girls and a boy.

I was sad when they all moved to Seattle. I would truly miss her. Uncle P.D. had created beautiful works of art and had a showing in the Corcoran Gallery of Art in DC. He was well read and was headed for greatness. His talent is what inspired me to start painting.

Sadly not long after they left Uncle PD passed away. Imo Moon Ja did not take it well. It was like part of her soul had been ripped away. She came back to stay with us for a while. I wanted so much to take away her pain, but no one could. I remember laying with her sometimes trying to comfort her. She had literally lost a part of herself. I think her saving grace was having her children. But life for her from then on was going to be turbulent and hard. She persevered.

Her ability to overcome every obstacle she came across is what has inspired me in my own life. Because of Imo Moon Ja I know that regardless of what happens we can make it in life. Even when the worst possible thing might happen you can move on.

Imo Moon Ja never remarried, but she devoted everything she had into raising her children. I think it's paid off. They are all gifted, charming, and successful. Each one has her heart of gold. They all love her completely and understand her little idiosyncrasies.

Imo Moon Ja was a major factor in how I grew up and how I saw the world.

So, Imo, kamsahamnida. Saranghae.

Watching as they grow... Even the Youngest grow older

I sit and listen with a smile as the boys play.
It wasn't that long ago that I held them close and
nursed them upon my breast.
Not yesterday, but before.
My memories are not dimmed by their growth away from
Mommy's arms.
Inside I know that the nurturing I gave them lies inside
their hearts and will be with them forever.
It will help them to become father's, husband's, lovers.
They will understand the meaning of touch, kiss, and comfort.
It is not sad that they grow further away from me,
but I wonder how the gradual increase in their independence
happened without my seeing it come.
Time does create a difference in life, but I shall always
hear the whisper of "Mommy" in my mind and feel it in my heart.
I am not losing a child - I am creating young men that will
direct the future of our world...
right after they finish killing zombies on the latest video game.

Cheating Husbands and Appropriate Punishments

If found an article on AOL news where a New York Woman thought an appropriate punishment for her husband was pouring boiling water on his crotch while he was sleeping.

Emmanuel "Ojo" Ojofeitmi, 67, was hospitalized with second- and third-degree burns over 30 percent of his body, the New York Post reported Tuesday.
"I was in bed, I was fast asleep … She came into the bedroom and poured hot water all over me," Ojofeitmi told the Post.
"I didn't know what had happened. By the time I woke up, the skin was falling off," the Nigerian immigrant said.

Her lawyer says that the husband has a history of abusing his wife, which includes the mental anguish a woman suffers from when her husband is cheating. But this woman has put up with 21 years of abuse and lived with him raising four children. Evidently something snapped and she just couldn't take it any longer.

I'm not condoning doing such physical harm to anyone because they have wronged you, but I do believe that making a marriage work is very hard work. I've heard it said over and over again "once a cheater always a cheater." This makes it sound like people can never change. I don't believe that.

I do believe that we have to assume our responsibilities for what we have done - wrong or right. If a husband or wife is cheating then they have to assume the consequences for their actions. If they honestly feel that they can't stop they owe it to the spouse to tell them so. The other party has the right to determine if they can honestly live with that type of a relationship or not.

Of course some people may do it for the mere thrill of cheating and not getting caught. If that's the case don't be surprised if your spouse turns around and does something drastic. Remember Lorena Bobbit?

8 yr Old Girl Gang Raped and Disowned by her family

Being raped is a horrible experience for anyone. An 8 year old girl in Phoenix was raped by four other children, ages 9, 10, 12, and 14. All the children involved, including the victim are from Liberia, Africa.

Not only did this poor little girl suffer rape from these boys who lured her into a storage shed with promises of bubble gum, but she suffered further heartbreak when her family disowned her for shaming them with her actions of being raped by the boys. It was a neighbor in the apartment complex that called the police to report the crime when she saw the little girl crying and running from the storage shed wearing only her panties.

The boys said they were justified in raping the child because she had taunted them and was calling them names.

I do not even pretend to understand the customs of other countries, but this is shocking to me not only because all involved, except for the girl's parents, are minor's. I know there are countries where children carry guns and shoot each other. I know there are countries where children are sent out of their homes and forced to fend for themselves because their families cannot afford to feed them. I realize that this is not a completely friendly and perfect world. However, Liberia was based on the US system of justice. Freed slaves settled in Liberia so they would have real and total freedom. The country is about 40% Christian based with some indigenous traditional ideas and practices.

The fact remains that even though this girl's family is from Liberia they have chosen to move to the U.S. It is not a common practice for US citizens to throw out their children because they have been victims of sexual crimes. It is common for most of us to support and love our children and help them through these difficult times.

If you choose to leave your country and live here you should be willing to support the ideals of this country. You cannot throw out your child like a piece of garbage and bury your head in the sand. You should not condone your child to commit heinous crimes and support them when they are luring, beating, and molesting another innocent child.

If you can't do this, go back to your own country and live.

Life and Our Expectations

There are so many things that I still want to do in life. It seems that I don't have enough time for a lot of it, but how much time do I actually waste? I don't think I want to look at the answer to that question. But if I'm spending that time being me, is the time really wasted? I don't know if I want to answer that one either.

A young mother last night said the same thing, just about. She said, "I'm almost thirty and I see time slipping away. There are so many things I still want to do and I don't feel I'm living up to my potential." She has four small children, a sick husband, and a full time job. Amazing. I find her inspiring that she can manage all that she does and still make time for friends. But in her perspective she feels that she isn't doing enough and isn't doing all that she wants to do.

On the other hand I know people that sit around and complain about not having enough in life. They complain about their jobs, the way their life is going, how their children treat them, their disatisfaction with their relationships, and so on. When you tell them to make changes they just don't want to or say they can't. But, honestly, everyone can make changes. It's that they don't want to. A lot of people fear change. They like knowing what is going to happen even if what is happening is bad, because at least they they feel as if they have some control.

I don't desire to be a super star. I do desire to be the best that I can be. If I feel as if I'm accomplished in my small part of the world I've done something. I've become someone. It's not the measure of everyone else in the world that matters, it's the measure we give ourselves.

My children think I'm wonderful. My husband likes being with me and supports me in everything I do. My family adores me and they tell me every day. I've done something right here, and that says a lot.

So what if we struggle to pay the bills or if we can't afford to go on a European Cruise? We have something here that some people don't and no matter how much time and effort they put into being successful and popular and rich they won't be able to buy it. Success isn't measured by how much money you have - it's measured by how much happiness you have in your life.

Momentary Darkness

The face of the child that was killed in California (Sandra Cantu) has been haunting me. Not only did a monster steal her innocence and take her life but they left a huge hole in a family and a community. What kind of world is it where children cannot go out and play without fear of being bait for someone's selfish desires? Then they dump the body in a pond as if it were unwanted trash. This is beyond tragic. One reason is because as time passes she, by most in the world, will be forgotten. She will become a shadow in their minds, but never forgotten by her family.

So this morning I wrote this poem. It's rather dark, but it's how I'm feeling.

Momentary Darkness
The laughter of a child fills the air
Until the ugly head of the monster hears
and rears it’s snarling head.
The world falls into momentary darkness.
The child’s missing the village cries
For another innocence in the world
has been snatched away into the nothing
And the world falls into momentary darkness.
The tears of those who love fall upon the ground
Yet the droplets hit the earth without a sound.
The monster is not swayed by sorrow.
He relishes the momentary darkness.
What should we do as the light fades away?
As it’s no longer safe for our children to play.
For as the world becomes a haven for monsters
The moments of darkness are longer and longer.

Pasty Dunbar

Things you Learn on Television

Hello, my name is Pasty and I'm addicted to Battle Star Galacticca.

I am sad that the series is over. I have hopes that the new series they are starting, Caprica, will keep me entertained, but I am not going so high up in my hopes that I'll fall and break both legs. I think that BSG was a great and innovative show and it didn't disappoint me.

One line in the final show got to me. Ellen is speaking with Ty and says, "I only want to be with you. I don't care if we had to live in a box."

It says a lot, especially in these harsh economic times. How many of us would live in a box and be happy? So, I thought about it. I could do it if I had my family with me and we were living together. I could go back to having nothing and move back up in life. What I have in my home is comfort, but they are things. Things are nice, but they aren't what are really important in life.

So, thanks Ellen and the writers of BSG. I'll miss you.

Wearing of the Green

I think that my family believes that I love St. Patrick's Day because it allows me to wear green without anyone making comments about my color obsession. I think there is more to it then that, honestly. It is a time that we have created where my family gets together and share traditions without all the hoopla and mania that other holidays seem to bring about. We don't have to shop for gifts or cards. We don't have to make sure that no one feels left out. We just are allowed to be together and share our time with one another. Of course bangers, corned beef and cabbage, and colcannon don't hurt the spirit either.

This year my favorite part of the day was sharing it with my oldest daughter. She was married last year and doesn't live that far from me. It's rare if we don't speak during the day, and yet it's not the same as when she lived inside the home. It's actually better. Not because she doesn't live here, but because she's reaching out to me more. It's funny how that works.

She actually called me and said, "Mom, you know how when I was younger we used to go and buy a birthday outfit for me? I'd like to do that this year. I miss doing that." (Her birthday is on March 19 and we do the family celebration on St. Patrick's Day.)

Now, some suspicious people might think she just wanted to get something from me, but I know better. She didn't ask me to buy her anything, I volunteered. We had lunch together, did the shopping, and just shared our entire day. It's a memory that means a lot to me and that I'll never forget.

It doesn't matter if your children grow up and become adults, because they are always your children. Their little faces lose the Cherub style and grow into something just as beautiful, if you're lucky. I'm very lucky. I do have beautiful children; from their faces into the very core of their hearts.

So, it may be a little early to actually drink, but I raise my virtual Irish beer and make a cheer for all:

May you never run out of good friends;
May your coffers never completely be empty of coin;
May your table always have enough to feed the ones you love;
And may you always be able to raise your drink in celebration of a good life.

Sláinte!

Painting in Real Life

I think living life is like painting. No matter how careful you are you tend to get the mess all over you. Sometimes it's because you are so caught up in what you are doing you aren't paying attention to where the paint goes, and other times it's because a child or a dog comes along to help you out and you end up all wet as well as multi-colored.

What's wonderful is that even though things get messy, in the end you have knowledge, memories, or a lesson that you've learned. Sometimes the strokes you make may be all wrong and you have to cover over it and start again. But the end result is worth it when you actually stick with it and finish the job. You learn that when something doesn't work you just don't try it again, or at least you would hope that you wouldn't try it again.

I don't mind getting messy. It shows that I'm alive, and for me that's a very good thing. But when the final product is done, I want to be able to stand back and enjoy the time and effort I put into it. It may not be a masterpiece but it's all mine and something to be proud of.

(The above picture is of four small paintings I did of the four seasons in Japanese Kanji. Acrylics on canvas.)

Fifty and Pigtails

So, you are fifty or almost fifty and you aren't you are getting old? Pishaw.

I think that we should always remember to be somewhat youthful so that we can actually enjoy the life we are given. So, today I am supporting pigtails.

Maybe I will look funny if I go out grocery shopping because someone will think I'm a bit old for wearing them. After all, who beyond age 12 really looks good in pigtails? Well I do! Because how I feel is important, much more important than some random strangers who have no affect on my life at all unless I let them.

So, today is my day to reclaim a bit of my youthful exuberance. I am going to put on my makeup and do whatever I can to make myself feel pretty and young.

I am going to celebrate the melting of the snow and the coming of the spring.

It's sometimes very easy to give into the stress of everyday life, but I also have to remember that I cannot control everything that comes my way. In spite of that I can control me and who I am. I can handle anything.

My youth really isn't lost, it's just tucked away in my memory. It's good to bring it out every once in a while so that I don't forget that life is meant to be lived.

So today, I'm living.

The Making of a Website

Honestly, I do know a little HTML code - very little. So, when hubby made my website I was grateful because he did something that I couldn't do... okay, couldn't do well. But I went to this little seminar thingy where they want to steal your money and promise you a pretty little website that has a drop and click. I figured if these guys were doing it someone else was doing it and doing it cheaper. So, I took my free lunch and free ipod coupon (yeah, they didn't spring for the real thing you have to order it on their website and wait for it to arrive from China) and called it good.

I was right! Voila! A drop in website made easy. I could still put in my HTML codes, but they did everything else. They also had a great feature I never knew existed in a free photo editor that I could sit and play with for hours called Picnik. You can use it free or subscribe. It's well worth the time.

So, up went the website! Then came the idea that it needed promoting. I could sit around and wish for visitors, but that seemed about as likely to work well as the new stimulus plan from Washington. So, I added some content on Witchvox, which is a really sharp site for pagans, and started looking around for ideas. There's a lot out there!

Anyway, things are up and running and I'm rather pleased. Life really doesn't have to be all yucky and complicated. Sometimes someone else is kind enough to do all the hard work and let someone else coast a bit.

So, for all those hardworking programmers that are willing to share - Thank you. You guys ROCK!!