At 4:44 What is the universe saying?

I was stark awake this morning before the sun rose. I looked over at the clock and it was 4:44 am. It seemed odd to me to wake up with three fours. When I had my heart attack a few years ago it was around 4 am. I wasn't able to go back to sleep right away. I rolled one way. Then I rolled another. I woke my husband who asked, "Do you need me to move?" I told him, "No. I'm fine."

Finally I picked up my laptop and wrote out a will. It's not that I'm rich and have a lot to give, but it just seemed like the right thing to do. Afterward I drifted back off.

I didn't die. 

I think it's important here to make reference to the fact that in spite of my husband making a very good living we are having a very rough time getting ends to meet. We aren't alone. He works very hard. Most weeks he works over 40 hours per week and doesn't get overtime. Still we struggle. We have two boys at home going through school. Our mortgage is about the only bill we have been able to pay to keep a roof over our heads. We have medical insurance, but it doesn't pay all the hospital and doctor bills. The utility bills have increased the last couple of years by about 40%. Food bills have increased by 45%. Everyone knows how high gasoline prices have increased. Unfortunately wages haven't gone up with the increase in costs. Government is killing us with tax increases and all the free programs they want to give out that only those working families pay for and don't receive any benefit from. So, it's no wonder that the first thought in my mind when I thought I may be having another heart attack my thought was, "Oh, Brian can use the insurance money to help alleviate our debt!" 

I did mention this to him, but his response was, "I'd rather be totally broke without anything than lose you."

Anyway, I looked up 4:44. Interestingly enough the first hit on google was a movie starring William Dafoe about the end of the world. Okay. A little farther down we have a reference for John 4:44 which reads, "Now Jesus himself had pointed out that a prophet has no honor in his own country." Prophet? I never thought of myself as such, however, I love my country. I just hate what the government is doing to it. But enough to make me wake up at that hour for no reason? So, I took out the colon. Here is what I found.

Spiritual meaning of 444: "The spiritual meaning of 444 is one of many repeating numbers designed to get your attention and serve as a wake up call from your spiritual guides.

444 is a very powerful number. It means that your angels are by your side and want the very best for you. They are asking that you pay attention very carefully to the signs that you see around you."

That is a much more comforting thought. It was definitely a wake up call. There are a lot of changes that have to be made. So, whatever the universe is trying to say, just know, I'm listening.

Today I am sad

It is the people that you love most in the world that can actually hurt you. It's not that you expect them to hurt you or want them to hurt you, it's just that because you let them at your heart and they have access to it they have that ability. You don't want them to or expect them to either. This is where trust comes into play.

No one is a perfect person. We all have flaws and we all make mistakes. It is when the mistakes you made and the flaws you have embarrass you enough that you have to turn them onto someone else that shows you don't plan on correcting them. You merely justify them instead. This means, most of the time, that you have no remorse and you plan on making the same mistakes over and over again. Instead of owning to mistakes on one's life and twisting them to suit a tale more awarding to yourself shows that you are destined to repeat the faux pas of the past. Isn't it better to move forward?

My life has not ever been an easy one. I was abandoned by a father I never knew. Suffered at the hands of abusive people. I lost my natural mother as a child. My first sexual experience was rape. My first "true love" abandoned me. The list goes on.

But in spite of the negatives in my life I would prefer to focus on the positive. I graduated from high school and the university. I have beautiful children whom I adore. I am in love with my  husband. I have a nice home with pets I was never allowed to have as a child. I have family, including a step-mother who has taken me in like a birth mother, who share my life with me. I have friends-real friends, not fly by night friends.

There are times that I have felt broken. Thinking back the reason that I was in that position was about the people that I love and the hurt they could inflict. Some people may thing that giving up on love would be the safer bet. Keep the heart locked up and sealed tight. I disagree.

Perhaps it is easier to lock it up and save yourself from the lies the people that love you tell. They have their own reasons for doing so. You could block them and push them from you, but because you love them you just draw them closer. Why? Because maybe the lies they tell are really something else. Sometimes, yes, they are just being vicious and are undeserving. Most of the time, however, it's because they don't like themselves and they feel unworthy. In the case of one particular person I know, they changed history because their history was just too much for them to handle.

Still, it really does hurt and make you sad when someone you care about lies about you or twists things around to make them seem more favorable. It makes you wonder if they really care about you. I think this is what makes you sad. Thinking that someone you open yourself up to really hasn't opened themselves up to you in return. Then there is also the thought of why would they want to lie about or to someone they really care about?

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Words Matter, But Heart Counts

I know that my Daddy loved me. He didn't have to; after all I wasn't his daughter through genetics, but by choice. He kept me with him even after my mother passed away. He never failed to tell me he loved me through his way of keeping me and taking care of me. A day didn't go by when I wasn't thankful to have a place to live with people that I knew cared about me.

It was a year after my mother died that he remarried. The woman was beautiful both inside and out. She didn't even balk about having a child from a previous marriage that wasn't his by blood. She treated me as her daughter from the time she walked into our home and to this very day.

I think one of my fondest memories was when I was leaving to go and visit my older sister and she said the words, "I love you, Pasty." I cried. Not because I was sad or unhappy that she cared for me, but because I knew exactly how much it took for her to say those words, and that she wouldn't have said them if she didn't mean them.

I learned a lot, I think, from the relationships I had with my parents. It was because of them that I found that it's not the blood that matters in a family but the heart.

So, in the spirit of those that taught me to love I try to extend that to my own children. My 16 year old may not be mine by blood but she is mine by heart. Like all of us she has her faults, but she fights them with anger and frustrations which cause her more harm then good.

I have faith that in the long run she'll learn to control those emotions. She actually took the time tonight to sit with me and discuss things. She listened. I'll have to say that it shows quite a bit of maturity for a 16 year old to actually take the time to hear what their mother has to say and actually think of ways to implement the ideas they give.

I can't take the credit. I had very good teachers.

So, thank you to all those people that take children in and love them. Take it from someone who knows - it makes a world of difference.

Weight Watchers and Me

Yes, I have decided to join the masses in an effort to shed pounds and increase my health. In my quest for a better body I have joined Weight Watchers online. I couldn't bring myself to go to weekly meetings and sit with other people that have the same idea of weight loss mania. I just find it to be a rather private endeavor I've embarked upon. Maybe it's because if I fail I don't want to face others and see them as they try and avoid eye contact or give me a smile that says, "Hey, you failed, baby. Do something."

But my one great motivation, besides wanting to live longer and avoid a heart attack, has been music. I've discovered some really cool people like Ingrid Michaelson, The Plain White T's, the Pierces, and Lenka to name a few. They get me moving and grooving to the point of where I have been swinging around and dancing with my two boys in the kitchen or living room or wherever else I can terrorize them. Actually the younger one is more than eager to dance with Mom, it's the older one that wonders if it's actually safe or if he should call someone to come and take me away. But that creates a whole new dilemma. Who will cook his dinner or bake him cookies?

You can always count on the stomach outruling the head on a male, regardless of his age.

Life is sweet.