Raising Children When You're in Your 40's

My daughter

When I was told that I couldn't have children, I cried. Of course every time someone else tells me that I can't do something I try my best to prove them wrong. In this case I ended up having four great kids.

I was thinking today, after watching my daughter with her new born son, about how different I parented after having my second set of children. In my 20's I was much more high strung about the children. As they grew up I didn't have nearly the patience as I did with the second set. My two older ones will tell you that they were spanked growing up. My two younger ones will tell you they haven't been spanked. It's an entirely different way of raising children.

So is age the difference? It's not just the age. I went to college after having the first two. I studied to become and educator for children with learning differences. I was schooled in different types of behavior management. I understood more about what a child was going through as they grew older and the different stages of their development. I also changed my living situation.

My new grandson

What I do know is that each child is and individual. What may work on one child may not work on another. While visiting with my daughter and new grandson yesterday I teased her a bit. "Put the baby on a schedule if you don't like how often he's nursing," I smiled. She gave me an odd look and replied, "Yeah. That worked so well when we tried it coming home from the hospital. You try to tell him he can wait ten or fifteen more minutes to eat."

That was my point. Sometimes you just have to develop a system that works for both of you. I'm very proud of my daughter and her growing relationship with her own child. They are both amazing. She has read books on raising children and what you should and shouldn't do for infants, but in the long run she is developing her own parenting style - and it works.

My three sons

I have no doubt in my mind that her little guy will grow up to be a very loving, intelligent, and amusing young man just like his uncles. After all, his mother is doing a fantastic job.

Teenagers and Authority

I know that teenagers aren't supposed to like authority or being told no. I realize that when most kids get to preteen age they think that they have already grown into adulthood and know more than the parents. Evidently in the world of youth after you pass the age of 25 you become ignorant.

Such is the case with my 16 year old daughter who has her very first boy toy. They have been dating and seeing each other. She was shocked when I knew she had hickey's by the mere deduction that all of a sudden in July she was wearing ribbons and scarves around her neck. How did I know?

I realize that they will be making out. I realize that they want to spend as much time together as possible. I realize that they will be tempted to do other things that I would rather not think about right now.

I also realize that no matter how many times she asks I will not think it's okay for her to spend the night at his house. So give it up.

She thought that by calling me after the concert and waking me up I'd be prime to change my mind. Wasn't happening. Then she thought arguing would change my mind. Nope. What it did get her was four days of restriction for not respecting me in the first place.

Sixteen Year Old Invaded by Body Snatchers

I think my sixteen year old has been invaded by body snatchers. Why? Because I know for a fact I didn't raise this child that is so surly and discontent. Her Ipod broke that she received for Christmas. Things happen. She wanted me to send it back and get a new one to replace it since it should still be under warranty. Of course it looks as if it's been out on the battlefield and hit by a couple of sniper rounds, but hey, I'm sure the guys over at Apple wouldn't notice, right? When I told her that I didn't think that the abuse was covered by warranty she goes storming off and slamming doors. Not a pretty sight. She didn't even wait for me to tell her I'd buy her another MP3 player. Nopers. She would much rather go and let the demons in her roar.

Then she comes back and tells me that she didn't "abuse" the Ipod. It wasn't her fault that the cord was being held together with duct tape. Millions of kids around the globe have this problem with their Ipod's, it's just an Ipod problem. Okay then. Evidently my Ipod, her dad's Ipod, and her 9 year old brother's Ipod are immune because it is a disease they only contract from teenagers. Whew. Good thing for me, huh?

I remember the other day I watched a movie called "The Secret"(no, not the one where you think about what you want in life and get it) where a father loses his wife in an accident and she comes back in the daughter's body. Kind of creepy, but there was one really interesting line. The mother, speaking through the daughter says something like "I didn't remember what it was like to be sixteen. You have all these hormones running through you going crazy. You feel horny, angry, and sad all at the same time and you have no idea what you want."

So, I guess instead of turning my daughter over to the government for alien experimentation I'll keep her, at least for another couple of years. I'll listen to her door slamming and yelling and crying and remember... my mother was so lucky I wasn't like this when I was 16.

Words Matter, But Heart Counts

I know that my Daddy loved me. He didn't have to; after all I wasn't his daughter through genetics, but by choice. He kept me with him even after my mother passed away. He never failed to tell me he loved me through his way of keeping me and taking care of me. A day didn't go by when I wasn't thankful to have a place to live with people that I knew cared about me.

It was a year after my mother died that he remarried. The woman was beautiful both inside and out. She didn't even balk about having a child from a previous marriage that wasn't his by blood. She treated me as her daughter from the time she walked into our home and to this very day.

I think one of my fondest memories was when I was leaving to go and visit my older sister and she said the words, "I love you, Pasty." I cried. Not because I was sad or unhappy that she cared for me, but because I knew exactly how much it took for her to say those words, and that she wouldn't have said them if she didn't mean them.

I learned a lot, I think, from the relationships I had with my parents. It was because of them that I found that it's not the blood that matters in a family but the heart.

So, in the spirit of those that taught me to love I try to extend that to my own children. My 16 year old may not be mine by blood but she is mine by heart. Like all of us she has her faults, but she fights them with anger and frustrations which cause her more harm then good.

I have faith that in the long run she'll learn to control those emotions. She actually took the time tonight to sit with me and discuss things. She listened. I'll have to say that it shows quite a bit of maturity for a 16 year old to actually take the time to hear what their mother has to say and actually think of ways to implement the ideas they give.

I can't take the credit. I had very good teachers.

So, thank you to all those people that take children in and love them. Take it from someone who knows - it makes a world of difference.

Wearing of the Green

I think that my family believes that I love St. Patrick's Day because it allows me to wear green without anyone making comments about my color obsession. I think there is more to it then that, honestly. It is a time that we have created where my family gets together and share traditions without all the hoopla and mania that other holidays seem to bring about. We don't have to shop for gifts or cards. We don't have to make sure that no one feels left out. We just are allowed to be together and share our time with one another. Of course bangers, corned beef and cabbage, and colcannon don't hurt the spirit either.

This year my favorite part of the day was sharing it with my oldest daughter. She was married last year and doesn't live that far from me. It's rare if we don't speak during the day, and yet it's not the same as when she lived inside the home. It's actually better. Not because she doesn't live here, but because she's reaching out to me more. It's funny how that works.

She actually called me and said, "Mom, you know how when I was younger we used to go and buy a birthday outfit for me? I'd like to do that this year. I miss doing that." (Her birthday is on March 19 and we do the family celebration on St. Patrick's Day.)

Now, some suspicious people might think she just wanted to get something from me, but I know better. She didn't ask me to buy her anything, I volunteered. We had lunch together, did the shopping, and just shared our entire day. It's a memory that means a lot to me and that I'll never forget.

It doesn't matter if your children grow up and become adults, because they are always your children. Their little faces lose the Cherub style and grow into something just as beautiful, if you're lucky. I'm very lucky. I do have beautiful children; from their faces into the very core of their hearts.

So, it may be a little early to actually drink, but I raise my virtual Irish beer and make a cheer for all:

May you never run out of good friends;
May your coffers never completely be empty of coin;
May your table always have enough to feed the ones you love;
And may you always be able to raise your drink in celebration of a good life.

Sláinte!

Taken

Tonight we went on a double date and saw the movie "Taken" which deals with the subject of human trafficking. The movie was very good and kept us on the edge of our seat. It was great to see a parent be able to beat up a slew of bad guys and save his daughter, although it was a bit disconcerting to see he wasn't the least bit concerned with other people's daughters and their safe return. You'd think someone that had lost his little girl would have had a bit more compassion, but hey, he saved his girl and it was great.

I would like to think that if anyone ever took my children that I would love to be able to save them like that. I don't, however, have the same skill sets this guy has. Instead of taking guns and shooting the enemy I would be forced to feed them to death. For some reason it just doesn't feel that would be nearly as effective.