Raising Children When You're in Your 40's

My daughter

When I was told that I couldn't have children, I cried. Of course every time someone else tells me that I can't do something I try my best to prove them wrong. In this case I ended up having four great kids.

I was thinking today, after watching my daughter with her new born son, about how different I parented after having my second set of children. In my 20's I was much more high strung about the children. As they grew up I didn't have nearly the patience as I did with the second set. My two older ones will tell you that they were spanked growing up. My two younger ones will tell you they haven't been spanked. It's an entirely different way of raising children.

So is age the difference? It's not just the age. I went to college after having the first two. I studied to become and educator for children with learning differences. I was schooled in different types of behavior management. I understood more about what a child was going through as they grew older and the different stages of their development. I also changed my living situation.

My new grandson

What I do know is that each child is and individual. What may work on one child may not work on another. While visiting with my daughter and new grandson yesterday I teased her a bit. "Put the baby on a schedule if you don't like how often he's nursing," I smiled. She gave me an odd look and replied, "Yeah. That worked so well when we tried it coming home from the hospital. You try to tell him he can wait ten or fifteen more minutes to eat."

That was my point. Sometimes you just have to develop a system that works for both of you. I'm very proud of my daughter and her growing relationship with her own child. They are both amazing. She has read books on raising children and what you should and shouldn't do for infants, but in the long run she is developing her own parenting style - and it works.

My three sons

I have no doubt in my mind that her little guy will grow up to be a very loving, intelligent, and amusing young man just like his uncles. After all, his mother is doing a fantastic job.

What's Wrong With Kids Today? - Parents

We had a serious dilemma in my home a few years ago. We had a child that was so emotionally hurt that she started acting out in a horrible way. She hurt people physically and mentally. She started shoplifting because she just wanted the things she saw. She didn't care about repercussions. She didn't respond to therapy. She didn't respond to punishment. She didn't respond to positive reinforcement.

She tried to burn down the house. We were at our wits end to find out what to do. Our home life was basically hell and our younger children were afraid, and rightfully so.

I had called the school. No help. I called the police. They were supportive, but they couldn't do a lot. It finally got out how serious things had become when she attempted serious physical bodily harm on one of the children. The school liaison officer stepped in and was extremely understanding and supportive.

It broke my heart to see her taken in a police car and placed in a facility. My dilemma was I was torn as a parent watching my child go somewhere other than home, but I had two other children at home that needed to feel safe as well. This was the hardest time in my life as a parent.

She needed help and she wasn't getting it at home. I didn't go to the police to get out of my parenting duty, I went to get her help because I honestly love her. It's the same reason why, when she got out of the group home a year and half later, I had the store call the police and walked away when she was caught shop lifting. I wanted her to know that she wasn't going to be able to go back to her old habits. I loved her but I wasn't going to allow her to sabotage herself.

I did get horrible looks from the store personnel. I don't think they expected a parent to react that way to less than $5 worth of merchandise. But I informed them that I wanted her punished now while she was still a minor instead of when she was 21 doing the same things and her punishment would be much sterner and on her permanent record.

We did end up discovering what her major problem was that she was harboring. The lack of support from her biological mother also influenced her. She has made major breakthroughs in her life and relationships since letting go of things. She's become more of a loving and caring young woman. She still has a little way to go, but don't we all?

Being a parent is tough. We have to make choices every day when it comes to our children. There are no guarantees that what we do are right, but we have to trust and do what we know will be best in the long run. That's why it's so hard for parents that are more interested in being popular with their kids and are afraid of their children hating them.

Of course there are parents out there who probably should never have become parents to begin with. They are so caught up in their own lives they don't parent at all. These children are neglected and have no idea, for the most part, how to relate to other people. It's sad, but it's part of our society. There are parents that do nothing or little to nothing for their children and then there are those that do way too much.

I've been watching the news reports on Phoebe Prince who was "bullied to death" from classmates in her high school in Massachusetts. It's tragic. Six students tormented this beautiful young lady until she took her own life. Why? Jealousy perhaps. It doesn't matter. In the long run what matters is that someone dropped the ball here long before the bullying started. Because the kids in question should have never started bullying to begin with. They should have been secure enough in themselves that those types of actions weren't a consideration. It's very hard for me to believe that no adult knew what was happening here. Ignorance isn't bliss; it's advocating bad behavior.

I remember walking through my daughter's school a few years ago to retrieve some books from her locker. One of the sports teams was running the hallways. At the end of the pack was a boy that was having problems keeping up. He was trying, but he just didn't have as much stamina as some of the other guys.  Instead of encouraging their team mate, however, I hear "why don't you just stay here. You're worthless and slow. You can just follow us in on our last leg and tell the coach you ran the whole thing." The boy kept up at his slow pace determined to finish, I imagine. But I saw his face and it hurt me. I yelled down the hallway to the team, "Wow! Way to support your team mate guys!"

I've heard the adage "kids are cruel." It's true. But where do they learn it? From the rest of us. When we let it pass and accept it we are actually condoning it. When we call our children names inside the home we are teaching them to call others names outside the home. When we allow siblings to call each other names like "stupid" or "fatty" by ignoring it and letting it pass we are condoning it.

Parenting is a full time job. A lot of parents have to work and rely on day cares or babysitters to help them. That's fine. We have little to no control of what is happening with children when they are out of our sight. But we should make a genuine effort to spend quality time with our children when we have home time even when we are dog tired.

I remember speaking with parents when I was teaching middle school. One of the most common responses I received from parents was, "I don't have time to spend them." I asked, "Do you watch television during the week?" "Do you have time to read the paper?" "Do you spend time talking to your friends on the phone?" "Do you spend time on the computer?" Of course they do, but they call this their own down time.

I'm not saying that parents don't have the right to some personal time. I am saying that when we give birth to children or make a choice to raise a child we have taken on a full time obligation. We are the number one teachers of our children. We need to make sure that we make time. We have to sacrifice.

Somewhere we have to stop and understand that we are parents to our children not friends. It doesn't mean we can't be friendly, but we can't just let things pass. Guilt parenting is not good parenting. Children of all ages need structure. If your teenager is angry with you for enforcing a curfew of 11 or 12 that's a good thing. Let them be angry. Let them know that not everything in their life is going to be exactly how they want it.

Here are some hints for teenage parenting:

1. Make consequences clear.
2. Never back down from what you say. Enforce your rights as a parent.
3. Make time to actually talk to your kids, even if it seems they are talking to you under duress. It shows you care.
4. When they disobey and you are giving them chores or consequences in return put it in writing. Write down exactly what happened and what they have to do to get off of restrictions. Also put on the sheet what happens if they don't follow the guidelines to get off restriction.  Make them repeat it to you or read it to you aloud. Then make them sign it and date it. Put it in plain sight.
5. Never assume that your child is always telling you the truth. Investigate. Sometimes our children aren't lying but are omitting certain facts that might actually put what is going on in a different light. My daughter has come home accusing a teacher of saying certain things and upon investigation I found that what she said was not really true but that she had twisted the words. Why? Because she had a bad grade for not completing an assignment and didn't want us to be angry.
6. Make your child accountable. If they do something wrong make them fix it and don't make excuses or allow excuses.
7. Spend time with your teenager. Even lame time is better than no time. I remember crying and thinking my daughter hated me. It's not true. She loves me. I love her too. Sometimes it just takes time for it to come out.
8. Don't just give your children things. Presents are fine, but making them have to work for something makes them actually appreciate it.
9. Don't beat yourself up when things go wrong. Sometimes things just happen no matter how much we do right. We have to stop and remember that after a certain point our children are older and have to make their own choices. We just need to sit back and be there to support them. It's a learning process for them too.

I don't have all the answers. I don't even think that Dr. Phil has all the answers. Not all kids are the same so not all the punishments will be the same. I have three minors left at home and each of them are treated differently because what works with one won't work with the other. They are individuals.

What does work with each of them? Loving them equally. That's the best I can do.

Watching as they grow... Even the Youngest grow older

I sit and listen with a smile as the boys play.
It wasn't that long ago that I held them close and
nursed them upon my breast.
Not yesterday, but before.
My memories are not dimmed by their growth away from
Mommy's arms.
Inside I know that the nurturing I gave them lies inside
their hearts and will be with them forever.
It will help them to become father's, husband's, lovers.
They will understand the meaning of touch, kiss, and comfort.
It is not sad that they grow further away from me,
but I wonder how the gradual increase in their independence
happened without my seeing it come.
Time does create a difference in life, but I shall always
hear the whisper of "Mommy" in my mind and feel it in my heart.
I am not losing a child - I am creating young men that will
direct the future of our world...
right after they finish killing zombies on the latest video game.

Mom Drags Kid Through Store on Leash

Okay. So you're having a bad day. The kid is crying and not cooperating. What do you do? You pick the child up, carry him through the store or you leave the store with your child and come back later when the situation is better. Most people know that children throw fits or become uncooperative. Most people are understanding, especially other parents.

YOU DO NOT DRAG HIM THROUGH THE STORE!

Children are not puppies or animals. They are small human beings that are learning how to treat other human beings by the way we treat them.

In this case the mother was arrested. In my humble opinion, she should be forced to take anger management and parenting classes.

The Secret to a Happy Marriage

I've been unhappily married and happily married. Like most people I much prefer the latter. Who wouldn't?

I think those that base their marriage simply on the love factor might be making a mistake. Love is grand, but it's like constantly eating the same meat without adding any spice, garnish, potatoes, or vegetables. Eventually it's going to be boring and you're going to want to go out for a side dish and dessert.

Make sure you have someone you can share things with - a key here is communication. You shouldn't be with someone that is constantly misunderstanding you and doesn't respect you.

Another mistake many people make is when they believe that a baby can save their marriage. You might want to keep in mind that sexual relations change with pregnancy and years after a child is born. A study at Texas A & M University show that about 90% of couples lose some degree of satisfaction in sexual relations after the birth of a child. A spouse that was very sexually romantic before the birth of a child is more than likely going to have a very difficult time adjusting to parenthood. The study also showed that those couples that took the time to become friends and shared their ideas and thoughts had less difficulty with adjusting to parenthood.

So, what does this mean? It means don't rush into a relationship. Take the time to get to know and actually like one another. People that rush into a marriage due to passion and sexual satisfaction tend to not stay married and become bored with their relationship.

According to an article in CNN that uses this study and others:

1. Birth of children puts a strain on a marriage
2. Boredom in a marriage have long term affects on a relationship
3. Happier people are less like to be divorced

So, you might want to keep in mind that a happy person keeps a happier family. Yet, in the US alone 1 in 6 people in the US believe they suffer from depression.

Here are some Pasty hints for a happy marriage:

1. Talk to one another. Not just about the easy stuff. Talk about everything and really get to know each other. Brace yourself for the things that are tough and don't take everything that is said personally. Internalizing what is said is not really listening.

2. Do things together. Don't make excuses that you don't have time or anything else like "we don't have the money" or "what do we do with the kids." Find solutions and make it happen. Taking a walk in a park doesn't cost anything and friends, even parents of friends, will more than likely not mind watching the kids for an hour or so, especially if the deed is reciprocated.

3. Learn to play together and laugh together. Have fun. Forget the problems and things that keep you down. Worrying about things does not make them go away. Share your problems and find a productive and workable solution. Work toward your goals together as a couple. There should never be a martyr in a marriage.

Sometimes love just isn't enough. Having a good relationship is work, but it's very much worthwhile. When you are close to your partner every minute you are with each other is a memory in the making.