Post Valentine's Day

Things around the house have been crazy.

The idea of having my sister's child with us didn't go as planned. All the expectations we had of moving forward and making a difference went flying out the window. It really is true that you can only help those that truly want to be helped. Some people, even children, seem to think that they way they think and behave is perfectly rational.

If anything good came out of it at all I think it is that she learned to appreciate where she was previously. That her adoptive mother wasn't being mean - she was being caring. When you are on the caring side of things sometimes it feels that people are picking on you. I learned that from experience.

The timing was bad as well. Coming right when I had to have my surgery and take care of things. She was the one that wanted to be the center of things. It's kind of hard to become the center when someone else is needing time to recuperate. Instead of just being able to heal, I had to put a lot of the focus and energy on her, but she didn't want 80% or even 90% - she needed 100% and it just wasn't possible.

The teenager's chest with chicken pox and eczema

Of course then the teenager contracted chicken pox, in spite of his inoculations. That combined with his eczema made him one pretty miserable young man. Then there was the unexpected birth of my first grandson; who is adorable, even if I do say so myself. He ended up in the NICU for about ten days. My daughter showed amazing fortitude during his delivery and through his recuperation. Of course things don't end there. The eleven year old now seems to have contracted something as well. It's like a never ending Winter Battle, but our spirits are still high.

I've given myself a goal now. Last night my husband and I went out for a Valentine's dinner. He didn't buy me chocolates, but he wrote me a poem. I think I got lucky. I don't need a chocolate heart, after all. The poem is wonderful and sentimental. He said something that struck me though. "I was going to write you a sestina, but it turned out to be more of a challenge than I anticipated." In husband talk this means that he didn't have enough time to whip one out. It would take a lot more concentration and time than he can actually put toward it.

His idea of writing is answering blogs. He can spend hours reading them and answering them for people. It's become a topic of ribbing by the boys to him. He even does it now on his Blackberry as we grocery shop. I'm waiting for the day that he looks up from his reading and discovers that we've all left him there.

However, now the idea of a sestina intrigues me. They can rhyme or not rhyme. They can be in iambic pentameter (the older ones were) or not. Each new rule you put to it will not only change the dynamics, but will make the writing more difficult.

Tomorrow I will post my first sestina. Hopefully it will be more inspiring then just a bunch of words that fit a form. I also want to get back to painting - go back to the gym - write more - and generally just take back my creative side of life that has been shelved with illnesses and recuperations.

So, let's get started.

More Random Rantings... :)

Okay, I haven't written in a while. It's been hard with the surgery and having both knees replaced. Recovery takes a long time...and I have to adjust to bionic knees now. But it is far less painful now than it was before I had my surgery. I am looking forward to recovery.
To the anonymous woman that was in the hospital with me and only had one knee done and was screaming - Woman! Get up!!!! Laying in bed only prolongs the agony.

Okay, now I've been watching Dancing with the Stars. I seriously love watching Bristol Palin dance. She isn't a professional singer, dancer, or actor. It is amazing watching someone that has no previous show biz experience learning how to dance and watch her progress. Now, for those of you that argue that she's not a "celebrity" think again. This is the same girl that everyone wanted to hear about when her mother was running for Vice President. You guys put her on the front page of the newspaper because she was pregnant and 17. Congratulations. You have created a celebrity. She is as much a celebrity as Kate Gosselin (but with a hell of a lot more talent). If someone mentions a name and everyone knows it.... they are a celebrity. Deal with it.

It's a shame that people think she's only winning because of her mother. If that were the case, people, her mother would have won in the last election. Her mother isn't that popular, come on. People love her because she's entertaining and she's not a pro acting like she's learning to dance. As for the conspiracy that the "Tea Baggers" are running the phone lines to keep her on all if have to say is - "Seriously?" Now that has to be the funniest thing I've heard. You really think that these guys care enough to want Bristol Palin win something that has no political affiliation? For what possible reason?

Personally, I was sad to see Rick Fox voted off. He was really  handsome and he could move for a tall man, I have to say. But this season seems to be geared toward the ladies winning, I think. Although, Disney's Kyle is still in there. Now he's the other underdog. Maybe the Democrats are keeping him in, huh? Yeah. I can see that... lol.

Just stuff

Tomorrow I go in the hospital for complete knee replacements in both knees. I've heard people say I'm crazy for "letting" them do that. I actually asked for them to do that. I figure one time in the hospital for both knees would be better considering both knees are equally bad. I have been in a lot of pain. Why would I just want one to feel better and then go back and do it again? Okay, so it is going to take a longer time to recover. I can deal with that. It's all gravy, baby.

I have also seen something I should have realized before.

If someone is living in the past, it stands to reason they harbor a lot of resentment and anger from before. It serves no purpose and yet they coddle it and cling to it like some long lost friend.

The truth is no one can go back and change things. It's done. Some people can and may apologize and you can forgive them or not. Some people that you blame had nothing to do with things, they were as much victim as you were. What you are doing is transferring your anger to something tangible and still around. Why? Probably because you have to have something to hang on to from the past so you can internally justify your anger. However, truth be told, all it is doing is eating you alive and keeping you from having a happy and productive life.

For that, you have no one to blame but yourself.

But looking to the future, when I will be able to walk or stand for more than ten minutes, I will have a new grandson. We don't know his name yet, but I'm convinced he is going to be born with a great sense of humor. This is a good thing. He is going to need it. Lucky for him, he's got a lot of love waiting for him when he finally comes out of his mommy.

My daughter was told by some people that she's crazy doing a home birth and for thinking about using cloth diapers. Seriously people?

When was it "unnatural" to do a "natural" childbirth. It's not that it's a bad idea or crazy. Please. When did we start becoming a society where drugs were the norm for what was originally done for centuries without them? I think people that criticize having a baby without drugs might need to stand back and consider what they are saying.

As for cloth diapers - they ain't like they used to be. But even if they were, bravo for her deciding to do something that doesn't add to the mounting landfill of garbage we have in the country. At least one person is looking at economy and benefit over ease and excessive cost.

I'm sure there are some that don't think it's good for her to breast feed either. What could be more beneficial than mother's milk? I've heard people complaining about breast feeding mothers. Others that didn't do it making the excuse that it hurt. Get over it. Again, this is natural, saves money, and is better for the baby. Yes, it hurts for a while, but that pain goes away. Sometimes we have to think about something other than ourselves and our comfort.

This is real life. If you really want drama, turn on the Soap Channel. Some of us are just here to live, love, and be happy.

Today I am sad

It is the people that you love most in the world that can actually hurt you. It's not that you expect them to hurt you or want them to hurt you, it's just that because you let them at your heart and they have access to it they have that ability. You don't want them to or expect them to either. This is where trust comes into play.

No one is a perfect person. We all have flaws and we all make mistakes. It is when the mistakes you made and the flaws you have embarrass you enough that you have to turn them onto someone else that shows you don't plan on correcting them. You merely justify them instead. This means, most of the time, that you have no remorse and you plan on making the same mistakes over and over again. Instead of owning to mistakes on one's life and twisting them to suit a tale more awarding to yourself shows that you are destined to repeat the faux pas of the past. Isn't it better to move forward?

My life has not ever been an easy one. I was abandoned by a father I never knew. Suffered at the hands of abusive people. I lost my natural mother as a child. My first sexual experience was rape. My first "true love" abandoned me. The list goes on.

But in spite of the negatives in my life I would prefer to focus on the positive. I graduated from high school and the university. I have beautiful children whom I adore. I am in love with my  husband. I have a nice home with pets I was never allowed to have as a child. I have family, including a step-mother who has taken me in like a birth mother, who share my life with me. I have friends-real friends, not fly by night friends.

There are times that I have felt broken. Thinking back the reason that I was in that position was about the people that I love and the hurt they could inflict. Some people may thing that giving up on love would be the safer bet. Keep the heart locked up and sealed tight. I disagree.

Perhaps it is easier to lock it up and save yourself from the lies the people that love you tell. They have their own reasons for doing so. You could block them and push them from you, but because you love them you just draw them closer. Why? Because maybe the lies they tell are really something else. Sometimes, yes, they are just being vicious and are undeserving. Most of the time, however, it's because they don't like themselves and they feel unworthy. In the case of one particular person I know, they changed history because their history was just too much for them to handle.

Still, it really does hurt and make you sad when someone you care about lies about you or twists things around to make them seem more favorable. It makes you wonder if they really care about you. I think this is what makes you sad. Thinking that someone you open yourself up to really hasn't opened themselves up to you in return. Then there is also the thought of why would they want to lie about or to someone they really care about?

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Turning the Corner

Yesterday I went to the doctor and received my okay for the surgery on September 20 to get both of my knees replaced. The first thing that you hear is that there will be a lot of pain post surgery, but the next thing everyone says is that I will be so happy to have it done. I will feel like I have my life back. So, here is to a new corner coming up in my life. I raise my glass to the new adventure that awaits me.

This year isn't over yet, but there have been some very bitter and sweet moments. Life is that way. We have good and bad times, sometimes the bad outweigh the good and sometimes it's about even, or you feel ahead of the game. Whichever it is, life continues and blind corners await decisions that we make. The turn may take us down a newly paves street, a rocky forgotten road, or maybe it ends in a field of crops that need to be taken care of. Whatever we find, it's ours.

No one ever promised that life was easy; it's not. But life is worth continuing on for because we will always have new experiences.


“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it”

Chuck Swindoll

Some people are clueless

In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you.

~Dorothy Parker

A woman who has met me once has decided that she knows all about me and has the right to make judgments. Most of her information came from two teenagers, one belonging to her, who have both admitted that they lied and exaggerated issues because they were upset they weren't getting their way. Of course to me, in a facebook message instead of direct communication, she insulted me regarding her child and how my decisions with mine affect their life. For instance, I should not call my child home for lying to me and not having done her chores. I should wait until she is finished doing whatever fun activities her child has planned because it's not fair for her child to be affected that way.
There is a weird logic in that. It is true that calling my child home for lying and not having her chores done does affect the plans they made with her child if she gets into trouble. However, allowing a child to get away with lying and not doing what they were specifically told to do is not a good example to set. If you lived by that rule your child would make sure they were always making plans with someone else. The rule is simple, you can go when your chores are done. How we discipline is really not of the concern of this other parent, nor is the way she disciplines in her home our concern.
In my home all the children have chores, even the ten year old. The funny thing is that none of the teenagers actually do their chores the way they are supposed to. The ten year old is the only one that voluntarily seems to do them. Each child is given an opportunity to have an allowance if their room is clean on payday. The only child that has actually managed to get his allowance is again, you guessed it, the ten year old. My 15 year old has been cleaning his room for months. If you listened to him you'd think that the items in his room were possessed because they somehow manage to make their way back down to the floor and it never looks any differently than before he started cleaning.
According to this woman we used our daughter as a Cinderella. We don't love her and we abuse her. Now these are horrible allegations from a woman that has never stepped one foot into our home nor ever taken ten minutes out of her time to actually speak with me. She lied to me one time to get our daughter off restriction because her son wanted to see her. I found out it was a lie, after saying we could make arrangements, and confronted her about lying to me. Since that day this woman has hated me. Evidently lying is okay in her book, and you never confront the person that lies to you. I never have worked that way.
The truth, according to my daughter, is that this same woman hates her. She calls her names such as "fat ass." She has insulted our family by calling us names. She has told my daughter that she's not good enough for her son. My daughter has come home from their home crying numerous times. After being in their home she yells at people and uses language that she knows is inappropriate, even in Wal-Mart, for which we have had to call her on. Her son has called her names, has allowed his friends to call her names. Being there makes her feel less about herself. So, we compromised. We told her that she was allowed to see the boy but was not allowed in his house. They could meet in other places where it was neutral territory such as the mall, go out to dinner, take some time to walk in the park, or even watch a movie.
Of course this was short lived, and again they lied. They went back to his home, which became evident, and the incidents started all over again. Verbal tirades over the phone in our home with screaming and cussing and crying.
There is only so much you can do as a parent. When a child gets to be within a couple of months of being 18 your hands become more tied. They make decisions that you don't agree with and that you can see are hurting them more and more. It breaks your heart. No parent wants to watch their child self-destruct.
The other mother says that I don't love my daughter. That is the farthest thing from the truth that she has ever said. I love my daughter enough to want to give her another chance to put things right in her life. I love my daughter enough to present her with opportunities to get away from vile and contemptuous statements made by ignorant people that prefer to say hateful things about her and then pretend they care.
Has our relationship with our daughter been tumultuous? Absolutely. We spent over a year in therapy. She was taken out of our home by the state because she was considered a danger to the younger children. She had things happen to her by her biological family that no child should have had to endure. She lashed out in ways that were very hard for anyone to take. She fell into bad habits that seemed impossible to break. We stuck it out through the years never giving up. She knows, because of this, that she is loved. She's told me so, that she pushed and pushed to make sure she was loved. It was never easy for any of us.
In the long run what a friend offered is to help give her a new opportunity to get out of the rut she has put herself in. To discover a place without a history or with people that know all the things that she's done. Somewhere she doesn't feel she's in competition and will feel needed.
According to this other woman, who either makes up things in her head or prefers lies over discovering the truth, our daughter is being "forced against her will" to go. However, an "anonymous" phone call to the police saying such things as we were abusing her and she was being shipped off against her will proved otherwise. The police, after speaking with our daughter, determined that she needed to get away from her situation with her boyfriend and never look back. He determined she was indeed in an abusive situation - with the boyfriend - and that a fresh start was just what she needed.
In the end, I could care less what this woman believes or feels. She has her own issues in her family including problems with her own children. I'm sure those take their own toll on her as well.
My concern is over my own child who has been through enough for two lifetimes. Did she lie to these people? Probably. Why would she lie? Because she wanted them to like her. Did it work? No. The boy I think genuinely cares for her though; he just had problems with knowing how to show it sometimes.
Bottom line is this - I am not perfect. I do not have all the answers. I make mistakes. But in the long run I will do whatever it takes to do what is best for my family and I will not be bullied by some clueless woman into thinking that I am a bad person and doing the wrong thing. I have great kids that are intelligent and have a lot of love in their hearts. We must have done something right.

Where does the time go?

In a month he will be 16. He has his first official girlfriend. He is driving a car. He is now taller than I am. Where did the time go?
Has it really been that long since I held him under my chin soothing him?
Is this the same little boy that told me he never wanted to grow up?
Today we were talking about college and the possibility of him applying to the Coast Guard Academy.
Last year he was asking me if he could ride his bicycle around the block.
Saturday he asked me for money so he could go on a date.
I remember crying when he walked away so easily in his kindergarten class ready to explore new things with new people.
It won't be much longer he goes off to explore a new world and see what awaits him for his future.
I may never be ready, but he definitely is moving in that direction.
One thing I can say is he has always been an excellent son. There is no doubt he will be an equally excellent man.